my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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