I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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