Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
