Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
