twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
