I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
