Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
