She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
