Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
