Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
