He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
