Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
