I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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