Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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