What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
