My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
