yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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