So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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