He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
