Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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