I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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