I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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