Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
