pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
