As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
