HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
