my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
