Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Who died my cat blue again?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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