I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
