When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
