The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
