Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
