when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize