Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
