I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
