if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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