Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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