watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
