i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
