Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize