I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize