I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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