I didn't shave. On purpose
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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