Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Randomize
