if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
