You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
