someone threw a dead crab at me
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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