for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
