i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
