Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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