We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
