Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize