I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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