You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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