If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
