My hand turned me down
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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