Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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