Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
