If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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