Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
