I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
